It’s been 3 weeks since I had to put Buddy down.
21 days he hasn’t followed me around like an extra shadow.
21 nights without him sleeping slammed up against my legs.
21 days I know he isn’t sick.
21 days I’ve still wondered whether I did the right thing.
It’s getting easier but tears still come at night. I guess because I am conditioned to have Buddy faithfully follow me into bed. Plus it’s quieter and I have more time to think about that day.
The boys don’t seem too affected. Quinn has only mentioned Buddy (& Zero) in passing, and always in reference to getting new dogs “like” Buddy and Zero. It bothered me at first that he never asked what happened to Buddy. I am guessing our hints helped, and I know he remembers that Zero got sick last year. In any event, I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Elliot hasn’t said much. Although his cries from that day are part of my own torment, a personal torture I can’t help relive in my mind.
I know at 2, he doesn’t get it and won’t remember any of it, in fact he won’t likely remember Buddy at all (And that totally makes me sad too). Knowing that, I assumed it wouldn’t be a problem to have Elliot with me on Buddy’s last car ride.
The problem arose when I came back to the car after the tortuous intake process. Who knew it was so hard to talk while bawling?
Basically I was a mess when I went to get Buddy out of the car. I gave him a quick hug and tried to say good bye.
Unfortunately Elliot saw my almost hysterical state and added to the fact that Buddy was carried away by a stranger; he knew something was wrong.
I know he doesn’t really know what happened. But that didn’t stop him from crying out for Buddy over and over again in the car after we left.
It was like a knife twisting in my heart over and over again. Pure. Torture.
I hope that by sharing this on the blog I can lessen my sadness, I know time has helped, let’s see if sharing does too. Here is what I am thankful for…
I am thankful that the boys seem unaffected by Buddy’s absence.
I am thankful the boys giggled and laughed at another dog at the store last night.
I am thankful that the boys had years of love and experiences with Buddy (& Zero).
I am thankful the constant debate over Buddy’s health and well being is now over.
I am thankful that Buddy is no longer unhappy or suffering.
I am thankful that Zero’s death last year helped prepare me for Buddy’s death this year.
I am thankful (selfishly) that we have kids which lessens the impact of his loss.
I am thankful Buddy was a pet and not a person.
I am thankful my sadness is lessening
I am thankful we had almost 11 years with Buddy.